


Martin's Redemption

by RomanzePflanze



Category: Love Simon (2018)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Cute Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier, Forgiveness, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, I kind of wanted to understand him a little (didn't really work), M/M, Martin hates himself as much as we hate him, Martin is going through an essential crisis after high school, Redemption, in no way am i trying to humanize him with this, no beta we die like men, what he did was absolutely wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29107245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RomanzePflanze/pseuds/RomanzePflanze
Summary: Martin knows he messed up.He knows.Nothing justifies outing someone to an entire school in such a dehumanizing manner. Nothing justifies blackmailing. Martin simply didn’t think he would actually go through with it. Martin agrees with everyone. He is a sick individual who lacks empathy and doesn’t deserve a second chance.This doesn’t stop him from still wanting one.This is Martin’s first year out of High School yet the aftermath of the event still plagues him like a disease that never really left. Martin wants to properly apologize to Simon, although the boy does not need to listen to him at all. Martin wants to apologize to Abby and all of Simon’s friends for ruining their last year of Highschool.Martin never wanted to become the bad guy in anyone’s story, but somehow he even managed to become the bad guy of his own story.This is Martin’s redemption as much as he doesn’t think he deserves one.
Relationships: Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	Martin's Redemption

Martin knows he messed up.

He knows.

Nothing justifies outing someone to an entire school in such a dehumanizing manner. Nothing justifies blackmailing. Martin simply didn’t think he would actually go through with it. Martin agrees with everyone. He is a sick individual who lacks empathy and doesn’t deserve a second chance.

This doesn’t stop him from still wanting one.

This is Martin’s first year out of highschool yet the aftermath of the event still plagues him like a disease that never really left. Martin wants to properly apologize to Simon, although the boy does not need to listen to him at all. Martin wants to apologize to Abby and all of Simon’s friends for ruining their last year of Highschool. 

Martin never wanted to become the bad guy in anyone’s story, but somehow he even managed to become the bad guy of his own story. 

This is Martin’s redemption as much as he doesn’t think he deserves one.

-

A new coat folded neatly on his bed surprises Martin more than his cat peeing on his favorite rug. He takes the note sat atop it and reads it aloud,

“For my handsome boy, I hope you enjoy it! Happy birthday Martin.”

Martin drops the note and takes the coat in his hands, the soft fabric melting in his hold, his breathing evening itself out. He doesn’t deserve to celebrate his birthday. He doesn’t deserve gifts. He doesn’t want any. He should ask his mom for the receipt and bring it back and give her her money back. Actually, he should just ask her to go back in time and never give birth to him.

All Martin manages to do is cause all the people around him pain. 

He hates himself for it, but what he feels does not matter because it is always his fault. No one has to care about how Martin Addison feels because he fucking outed someone and blackmailed them. No one is going to forgive him and he isn’t planning on forgiving himself either. 

His birthday doesn’t feel like a day he should celebrate. It started off as a shitshow when he heard his parents arguing about his favourite color or cake flavor (He had none by the way). Martin knows he doesn’t deserve to have people care for him the way his parents do. 

At least his parents do care even after the whole Simon thing.

They sat him down and let him explain. He was completely truthful because there was no point in lying when they already knew the true story. The worst part of that day wasn’t him full on sobbing in front of his parents because he realized how disgusting he was. No, the worst part was seeing the expression on his brother’s face as he explained what he had done to Simon.

It was like he had betrayed his own brother, too, by doing that to Simon.

His parents explained to him why what he did was wrong and Martin listened. Martin understood what they were saying and he agreed. None of that eased the guilt. Thinking back to it, he doubts they were trying to ease his guilt. The shame in their eyes only grew when he told them why he did it. 

Martin is a horrible person.

He knows this.

He doesn’t want to be though. Martin wants to atone for his sins. As dramatic as that sounds that is exactly what he wants to do. He wants to beg Simon for forgiveness he knows he doesn’t deserve. 

How and where does one ask for forgiveness? 

-

When his mother tries to drag him to her friend’s place and has him try to socialize with the daughter of the friend he finds out that she is a little different than your average teen. She lets him roam her overly decorated room and pays him no mind. “Cool room you’ve got here.” He awkwardly says as he notices a few rainbow themed items.

“I know what you did in high school.” 

Martin feels his blood run cold. She finally turns to him and he can visibly see the hatred oozing in her eyes for him. He wants to hide and pretend it isn’t there, but he knows he can’t. “You do?”

“Yeah, I do. You disgust me.”

His skin starts to itch, he wants to scratch it until it stops itching. He feels dirty. She scoffs at him and shakes her head. Disgust, disgust, disgust. Martin disgusts people. People can barely look at him without feeling disgust. That’s a word he hears his parents use for rapists and pedophiles. He isn’t that bad, is he? His skin is still itching. He doesn’t want to be here anymore.

He heads straight for the door and quickly tells his mom he has to go home. Her eyes are filled with worry, but Martin for once wants people to stop looking at him with so many emotions. He wants to be rid of feeling like something that invokes negative emotions. He knows that’s just who he is now, but he doesn’t want it anymore. 

He is in no position to complain. He is the offender here. He is the one who outed a kid before he wanted to be out. He took that from Simon. He took Simon’s identity and disrespected him by telling the world. Martin is the bad guy here. He knows. 

He knows.

-

Talking to his brother has gotten really hard. He barely looks him in the eye because of the shame. Sometimes Martin wonders what made him do it. His own selfish desires obviously, but was Abby liking him really that important to him? Was it so important that he would threaten to endanger Simon by outing him? Martin doesn’t even remember feeling remotely bad about blackmailing Simon in the moment. 

He really misses talking to his brother.

“Martin! I made you your favourite!” He looks up from his elbow and stares at the door to his room, the shout from his mother a reminder of the one person who still seems to love him through it all. He guesses a mother’s love really is endless. He doesn’t deserve the love she has for him. He knows this. There’s so much that he knows yet he still feels so stupid.

There’s this guilt in his gut that won’t leave and he doesn’t know what to do about it. Martin wants to apologize formerly to Simon and Bram. He sometimes looks at their instagrams and sees how happy and in love they look. Especially, Simon. He looks at Bram like he makes his world spin. 

Martin is so glad that he didn’t ruin their relationship because he doesn’t think he could ever forgive himself for that. Not with how in love they are and how miserable he is. Martin is happy for the both of them. He really is. He just wishes he could let them know that he knows better now. That he knows what he did was absolutely wrong. Martin doesn’t think he wants their forgiveness because he knows he doesn’t deserve it. He thinks he wants to witness them being in love and together one more time in person, so that he can confirm that good always trumps evil.

He wants to confirm that good always prevails even if he is in the evil in the story.

That is what Martin wants.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short one-shot i wrote whilst i wondered what Martin was like after high school. i think guilt is such an interesting feeling that isn't talked about enough so i wrote this!!!!   
> in the end, he didn't really get redeemed because i don't know how redemption really works in this case  
> how do you handle guilt and how do you think martin should handle his guilt?  
> anyway, thanks for reading and go drink some water <3333  
> ily!!!!


End file.
